M.Lee

Friday, August 31, 2007

His Final Days as the Baby

Love Bug
Originally uploaded by m.Lee

I actually had to put something in the bouncy seat for the baby just to keep this little guy from crawling into it. Cute as it is seeing him in it he needs to be kept out of the babies things because soon he will not be the baby anymore. I got him in June of 2000 and he has been with me through a lot and boy is he one moody little guy! But I love him and I hope he handles the adjustment well. Especially since now he is the only cat we have left. Burrito would have been fine with the baby, she was always rather indifferent to changes as long as she had the back of a sofa to sit on she was happy.

I'm ready to have my body back. I know that the labor will probably break my body even worse, but at least then I can start the healing process. Right now I just feel stuck. The idea that I could actually print yesterday was such a pipe dream! It wasn't hot like it is today so I started tidying my studio so I could either print or carve. My press had some junk on it that had to go and so did my desk. After about fifteen minutes of this I was completely exhausted, my hips and back were killing me and my joints hurt. Even sitting wasn't good enough, I needed to lie down. It is very frustrating to say the least. And i feel so guilty for being such a slacker.

Today is my last appointment with the midwife. I'll get checked out to see if I am any further along but I doubt it. Since my midwife Lara wasn't on the schedule I probably won't see her again until after I have had the baby. But the other midwife I have taken a real shining too will be inducing me on Monday so all is not lost.

Today is Jon's last day at work before he takes leave for the baby! At the latest even with a difficult labor we should have her by Tuesday! I get chills thinking about it! We will use these last two days to go over the house for any final preparations and then on Sunday we go in to get things started. I could go into labor then but most likely I will go home to sleep then come back in on Monday for an inducement.

I hope everybody has a great weekend! I will keep things updated as much as possible! Expect baby pictures soon!

Posted By marissa At 6:42 AM • Trackbacks (0)

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Eviction Papers Served

Sleepytime Tea (with chine colle)
Originally uploaded by m.Lee

Good late morning to all.

As I sit here drinking my morning tea I want to give a bit of a shoutout to the wonderful TeaNoir from Etsy who sent me some lovely tea along with a handmade stuffed platypus for blee the other day. I ordered from her a number of months ago and she remembered what my favorite tea and gifted me with some. Have I ever said how Etsy is filled with many wonderfully kind people? Well, it is! Thank you doll! Her "Juicy" tea is a lychee flavored tea and it makes the best iced tea.

I'm feeling a bit better emotionally ever since I called the midwives yesterday to talk about getting induced. Let's just say that I didn't have to fake breaking down over the phone, all the frustrations came out with Judy. She is one of my favorites and she talked me out of inducing right away and giving blee a few more days to come out on her own. But since she is working on Monday and that is the day before I am 42 weeks anyhow we did schedule an induction for then. So eviction papers have been served. It is such a relief to not only have this date but to know that even worst case I get to be induced with somebody that I know, trust and feel very comfortable with. I see my normal midwife Lara tomorrow for a standard visit. If I go into labor prior to Monday I really hope she is working!

On Tuesday my good friend Chuck came for a visit from NYC and I was able to meet up with him, Mary and some other people for dinner before they all went to Karaoke at the Milky Way. I was certainly not up for that part but dinner was great. I got to handle and play with an iPhone for the first time and that was a lot of fun. I was pretty down on them before despite my love of iPods because of the price but now I get it. I still think they are too rich for my blood, but I admit that they are damn sexy little machines that I will covet from afar.

The last of my pine cone pieces sold yesterday and this is bittersweet. I am both happy and sad about it. That they are popular is great but now they are gone and I don't know if I can print in this state, but I would really like to have some for the Open Studios at the end of September. Since it isn't too hot today I may try to do some printing. Am I totally insane? I miss it so but it is murder on my hips and the rest of my poor broken body.

Posted By marissa At 7:57 AM • Trackbacks (0)

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Past due

Deep Sea Goddess
Originally uploaded by m.Lee

On a whim I listed this piece just a few moments ago. Even though I am not big on promoting myself lately I just had to put it out there because I love it so.

Thanks for all the kind thoughts sent my way lately, it has helped to know that I am not a freak for feeling the way that I have been feeling. Unfortunately it doesn't make the feeling go away either but at least I don't have to feel like the worst soon to be mother ever.

Mornings are the worst for me now so I would say to expect my blog updates to be less often and later on during the day. Yesterday we had to get up early and go to the hospital for an ultrasound and a nonstress test to check on my fluids because I am a week late. Everything is fine but it was a miserable experience. I hurt and probably should have been in a wheelchair but pride kept me from asking for one. So I just hobbled around the halls leaning against railings when needed. The ultrasound itself was quite painful because my belly was feeling very stretched out and sore and being pressed by the machine hurt. Plus lying on my back put a lot of strain on my back. I'd really like to have my body back, and know even after birth it will be months before that happens. But I would like to get the process started. I wasn't even excited about seeing the baby in the ultrasound because at this point that is not how I want to see her. I don't want to see a hand on a screen I want to touch the hand.

This morning I woke up around 6am in some serious pain. My upper and lower belly hurt very badly and my back was killing me. Getting out of bed was difficult. I walked and the pain didn't go away. I wondered for a moment if it could be labor except it wasn't a contraction but a constant pain that didn't let up. Somehow I managed to go back to sleep. Woke up about an hour and a half later still in pain but slightly lessened. Went back to sleep and slept until nearly 11am. Felt much better this time and was ready to get up finally. I'm still a bit groggy and should probably make some tea but the pain from this morning is pretty much gone.

I'm considering calling and seeing if I can schedule an induction for this week today. The problem is that I don't know if I can do that without at least talking to my midwife and I don't know if I can reach her today. I guess I can give it a shot otherwise I have to wait until my appointment on Friday. But actually taking the step to schedule an induction is scary to me. I can't seem to make that call. I was ready to make that call at 6am this morning when I was in tears from the pain, but they weren't open then! Now that I feel okay I am more hesitant.

Posted By marissa At 8:55 AM • Trackbacks (0)

Monday, August 27, 2007

The Weekend is Over

Surrounded by Pine Cones Originally uploaded by m.Lee

It has been so weird not listing anything new for these weeks that the other day I broke down and listed this piece. It is the final pine cone piece I have made. Not the final one period, just the last one that I will probably have for awhile so I figured I should at least get this one up! Making my shop virtually dormant and not listing pieces that I have does feel strange even if it does make sense. I mean the only time I have taken a break since I started in January 2006 was when I was so sick I didn't have anything new to put up. This time it is different. Before I was sick and had nothing, now I have plenty but I am distracted and disconnected. First from baby anticipation and now with this added sadness from our huge loss. But the loss makes me want to do something to distract myself.

I would like to thank everybody for being so wonderfully supportive during this incredibly difficult weekend. Your support really did make a difference in getting us through the days and both of us appreciate it greatly. Even though she was a sick kitty and had been for a long time, this sudden and dramatic turn really caught us off guard. Putting her to sleep yesterday morning was probably the most difficult thing either one of us have ever done. We stayed with her until she was completely sedated. Jon held her in his arms while the sedative took effect so that was her final memory and we feel good about that. On Saturday more than anything I just wanted the day to pass without me going into labor (for once I didn't want it) because I knew that not only would any delay cause her more pain but she was doing so bad and getting worse so fast she could have died during the wait. And her dying in the corner behind the sofa is now that we wanted while I am having my baby! Thank God she got to have some dignity and plenty of love during her final moments. But our time with her was just too short. We're still in shock from it all. The first picture is the last picture I took of Burrito and the second one is the fat and rolly polly happy kitty we would like to remember her as.

Now that ordeal is over with we would really like to welcome the new baby! She will be a week overdue as of tomorrow and as a result we have an ultrasound and destress test scheduled at the hospital on Tuesday morning. They do this every time a woman goes a week overdue to make sure the environment is still safe for the baby, because that becomes an issue with pregnancies that go over term. Since my blood pressure has dropped and stayed stable I am no longer considered high risk and cannot be induced until I hit 41 weeks, but they will not let me go past 42 weeks. I don't want to be having this baby into September! It's okay that she decided not to be a Leo but to be a Virgo instead, but September? If I haven't had the baby when I get the ultrasound I may see if I can schedule an induction that day instead of waiting for my appointment with the Mid Wife on Friday the 31st. It is starting to feel like this baby isn't real and that she is never coming out. Sure she kicks the crap out of me on a nightly basis just to remind me of her realness, but come out already!

If I am feeling up to it and I can get the studio a reasonably cool temperature I am going to try and do some sitdown carving today. I have been so useless for weeks now and it is really getting to me. I get tired very fast. I have to try to get something accomplished, to produce something.

Posted By marissa At 5:07 AM • Trackbacks (0)

Saturday, August 25, 2007

Saying goodbye to an old friend

little thing
Originally uploaded by m.Lee

Before saying a hello to blee it appears that we will be saying goodbye to the sweetest cat in the world. She's older but not super old, but she has been sick with kidney disease for awhile now. We've done treatment for it, even had her hospitalized early last year and that has bought her time. But last night it hit home that she just isn't getting better anymore, she isn't bouncing back but getting worse, much worse and quickly. She still purrs from pets and attention because she loves us so much but it is very obvious that most touching physically hurts her. This cat that was once described as a "beautiful voluptuous girl" has now wasted away to under six pounds. Neither of us have ever had to do this before and it has been a heartbreaking decision to make but we know it is the right one.

Things I will always remember about her;

- How wild she was when Jon first adopted her from the shelter. She was an older cat already and had been abused for much of her life. He used to come over to visit me with his arms covered in scratches and bite marks. But this stopped happening as she got to trusting him and now even when vets poke her and hurt her she will never try to bite or scratch. She went from nearly feral to docile as can be.

- Her obsession with fitting herself on discarded pieces of paper. He had some menu to a restaurant near his apartment that he never even went to in his room that she liked to sit on and tuck every part of her body onto.

- Jon used to have two low to the ground Ikea chairs that she was obsessed with jumping back and forth from unable to decide which was better. They were identical.

- How he used to wake up every morning with her face right up against his waiting for him to open up his eyes. Then she would let out her meow that sounds like a quack.

- She stopped doing this when we moved in together and started sharing a bed. The first morning I was woken up to her staring at me, hitting me rapidly in the face and then running off. Sorry, I stole your man little Burrito. But we were good friends too despite this.

- Making the move from Ohio to Boston by car with two drugged cats. Mine took the meds the vet gave us and slept the whole trip but she refused to go down, but instead wandered around the car the whole time trying to get comfortable. Even climbing on Jon's lap as he drove a couple of time. Her balance wasn't so hot and she had droopy lids but she just wouldn't sleep.

- She likes licking plastic bags.

- Her constant yapping. Always done sweetly but it never stops.

There are so many more memories that we will treasure, but these are some of the big ones for me.

We love our Burrito. Also known as bear. The back of the sofa just isn't going to be the same without you. Nothing will be really. I'm sorry we can't give you a longer life but we have tried our best to give you a good life. This is not how I expected to spend my Saturday.

Posted By marissa At 2:27 AM • Trackbacks (0)

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Still Waiting - Life on Hold

SPT belly Originally uploaded by m.Lee

Going to see the midwife (again) tomorrow at 10am. If anything interesting happens I will let you guys know. Here is hoping that my body has made some progress getting this kid out. I had a call tonight from the leader of my former mom's group and she was perkily telling me how her first came two weeks early but she had to wait for her second who only came two days early. Poor thing. Yeah, not what I want to be hearing right now. Everyone please mentally get together and will this child out so I can try to be a person again.

Gotta package up a small but of course very important order before I go. Been a bad girl and have waited a few days to send it. Sales have been pretty decent for me this month despite how much scaling back I have done promoting and listing. They are slowing down more and this is good, I want this because it means I have control enough to keep things slow and manageable during this time and the time to come. I would much rather be able to slow them through lack of promotion along with a notice in my shop about what is going on than putting every 116 items into edit mode! But of course there is that little insecure voice inside of me that cries just a little. I know, totally silly and best ignored.

So this picture is of me drinking the last of the raspberry leaf tea last night. I have decided that this is bullshit labor tea. It certainly does seem to bring on labor pains as it has the three nights I drank it and the one night I abstained I had none. But you don't see me with a baby either do you? Basically I get the pain and it leads nowhere. This tea lead to some rough nights thinking I might be going into labor only to have them vanish into thin air. I do not recommend this tea to any of you expectant moms. It is a labor tease. I'm not very mobile lately. Blee feels like she is about to fall out of me at times when I walk and I get some serious pains. I entertain myself with youtube a bit. I'm currently pretty obsessed with Flight of the Conchords and this is the song that is currently stuck in my head.

"These aren't tears of sadness cause you're leaving me. I've just been cutting onion for a lasagna. For one."

That and the end are my favorite bits.

Posted By marissa At 8:49 PM • Trackbacks (0)

The Perfect Morning

Poppies Seen Through Windows - ACEO/ ATC
Originally uploaded by m.Lee

Just what I want when I am trying to get plenty of rest is to have road work (complete with jackhammer) just outside my bedroom window. Ah well, at least I did get a pretty good nights sleep last night and am feeling okay today. Feeling good enough to have a baby even! And the weather is quite nice so at least I am not overheated because that is very unfun when pregnant. I've lucked out as far as weather goes this summer pregnancy.

Hope all is well for everybody. Thank you to everybody for being there for me during these long and bumpy months. It certainly has been an adventure.

I didn't have any contractions yesterday just a lot of stabbing pain whenever I stood up and moved. The most disturbing part was when I had Jon google it and he came back telling me it is perfectly normal. I was near tears and this is normal? This kind of pain should only come with the baby actually coming out!

Just like I did yesterday I am going to stay down as much as possible today. I actually listed a piece this morning for the heck of it. It isn't new, but I have quite a few pieces that haven't been listed yet because I have had other things on my mind. And of course the card pictured is also available. I really like this little card. The colors and the way the shapes work together suits me. Provided I don't go into labor today, and I really do hope that I do, I am making a Post Office run tomorrow.

Posted By marissa At 6:59 AM • Trackbacks (0)

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

My Gosh!

Earthy Ginkgos
Originally uploaded by m.Lee

Everybody is so baby obsessed! Not that I am at all hahah but I put up this picture on Flickr and within a couple of minutes am receiving comments not about it but about the blee. And I find out that my pregnancy buddy, the one with so much of the same pains and nearly the same due date (a few days behind) is getting induced today just after a midwife tells us that we should keep waiting. Gah!

While I know induction can be not fun I am feeling a little envious right now because I am so tired of this. Once again last night I had horrible pain that turned into contractions for hours. At times these contractions would be spaced out about every five minutes. Then they would just go away. My back hurt like crazy until around 2am when suddenly it stopped and I was finally able to get some sleep. This happens to some degree or another every night and it is driving both Jon and I crazy.

I was so pleased with myself for being able to as much done on the block as I have this past week by working in spurts on and off. All the linework around the edges of the images has been carved and the clearing of negative space has been started. It is going a lot faster than I ever expected it would in my condition. My blood may not be in this piece but certainly my sweat and tears are in it. I grit my teeth and carve until I am physically unable to anymore. I am doing a big local art fair at the end of September (hopefully) and I can't help but think how wonderful it would be if I actually had prints from this block to show then. But getting it carved and printed with this baby looming is not something I should be pressuring myself to do. It is so hard as I continue to wait for her to quit teasing me and show up. Then I can finally know just how much my life is going to change.

I'm going to try and go back to sleep. I feel awful. I was really hoping to wake up to labor pains instead of going to sleep with them. The thought of having a baby when we are both freaking exhausted is really scary. Last night during the contractions I was finding myself so tired I just wanted to have them let me sleep while doing a C section because I couldn't imagine pushing.

Posted By marissa At 5:30 AM • Trackbacks (0)

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

A week is a long time

Stop Working!
Originally uploaded by m.Lee

Heck just a day or two seems like forever at this point. Today is my due date and I am not feeling hopeful about it. I don't know what is happening with this birth anymore. I'm going in to see my midwives twice a week now ever since my blood pressure went up a couple of weeks ago. I see my midwife every Friday and a different one on Tuesdays. And the other midwives do not seem to agree with my midwife's desire to induce me by the end of this week. While I wasn't exactly looking forward to getting induced I wish I knew what was happening.

I am horribly uncomfortable but my pressure is still down and all my tests are good and normal so the midwife I saw today just didn't feel comfortable scheduling an induction for me like I was told she would do. She seemed perfectly happy letting me go a week or more past my due date.

Last week I was feeling quite good physically and mentally and at a bit of a high point in the pregnancy. Despite my size I was pretty comfortable and actually was able to get some carving done on this block and make decent progress. I don't think that is possible anymore and it makes me sad and frustrated. This baby is growing and my body is hurting from it as it struggles to accommodate her size. I feel body parts pressing up at uncomfortable angles and points on my body and my movement and bending is very limited. Even getting out of bed and chairs is quite a painful chore at this time. My belly feels tight as a drum and very sore pretty much all the time and once again I am having difficulty sleeping. Even getting a good breath of air is difficult and painful. Women may have been going through this for thousands of years but that isn't making it any easier. It just makes the existence of the human race all the more amazing to me.

Sometimes I have contractions at night, they even get to be fairly regular, but they end up fading and eventually going away. I want her out!

Posted By marissa At 8:34 AM • Trackbacks (0)

Monday, August 20, 2007

No Baby

39.5 weeks Originally uploaded by m.Lee After contractions that came and went. And then came and went again. Nothing. And I don't really feel like writing about it or about anything right now. Just letting people know because I know people tend to assume silence means I am having the baby.
Posted By marissa At 6:02 AM • Trackbacks (0)

Saturday, August 18, 2007

Tired

Aug 18th
Originally uploaded by m.Lee

Doing well overall except I am very tired and have a sinus headache. Did you know that it is common to get stuffed up at the end of pregnancy? I didn't know this but apparently it is totally common. Feels like allergies I am told and it isn't much fun. Especially since headaches that don't go away are one of the warning signs of pre-eclampsia. So I have to tell the difference between a dangerous headache and a sinus headache.

But my blood pressure has dropped so much and I have zero swelling things are good. My due date is on Tuesday the 21st! How crazy is that? I will be getting an exam then and if I haven't had the baby yet she will probably schedule me for an induction that Friday.

I'd much rather have her come naturally and I would really like that day to be today so she can share the 18th with both of her parents. But it isn't looking likely.

Jon and I went and saw Superbad with friends last night and while I laughed very hard, I did not laugh hard enough to shake her loose. What a disappointment I feel the movie totally failed me.

I called up my father today and talked to him a bit. Turns out the birthday gift I sent my sister ages ago hasn't arrived yet. I hope when it does arrive, and based on my massive experience with the Post Office 99.9% it always does arrive, somebody will let me know! I got to talk to my sister who is now eight for a bit but after awhile my headache really started getting to me and I had to get off the phone. Getting off the phone with a chatty eight year old is never easy. She's going to be a great auntie! I really hope they make it to Boston to see the baby in November as planned.

Posted By marissa At 8:39 AM • Trackbacks (0)

Friday, August 17, 2007

Stressful Day

Butterfly in the City
Originally uploaded by m.Lee

I didn't want to use another baby related picture so I figured I may as well use this piece for this entry since it is one of my more recently listed items. I haven't been listing right now. Being on pause mode and all.

Yesterday pretty much stunk. And now I am up with some minor acid problems but should be able to go back to bed shortly. Not great fun, but I have had worse.

Yesterday after being super stressed out about Jon and his neck problems I crashed and took a nap. I woke up feeling awful with a headache and realized that I hadn't felt the baby kicking since the morning. I did what I am supposed to do and lay on my side and tried counting kicks. I am supposed to get at least six in an hour. A half hour passed and I got nothing. I started freaking out. Jon wanted to put on a DVD while I continued but I was too hysterical by that point. She is normally such an active girl I had these graphic images of a dead baby inside of me stuck in my head. We called the midwife on call and she told me to come into the hospital. This was around five PM.

Jon would randomly scream while driving because the pain in his neck was so bad. My stress level kept rising. We got there and checked in and as soon as we were sitting in the waiting area I started feeling kicks. Figures! But I still wanted to get checked out. I did have a headache that wouldn't go away.They took me in and put me and the baby on the monitor and her heartbeat sounded just as fantastic as always. And her movements were getting stronger and stronger. At times I could have sworn I was having contractions, but according to the machine I was not. Well I was hooked up to it so long I had to be taken off so I could pee! Then got hooked up again while we waited for the midwife. Once she came she took my blood pressure again and it is continuing to drop and sent me home.

I see my midwife today around 10am. Last week she was talking about inducing me if I hadn't had the baby by now, but then my blood pressure was at it's highest. Now it is at it's lowest so I don't know. It still isn't low but it does seem to be out of the danger level.

I just wish she would come! And I wish Jon would be well enough that I could have his support and not have to worry about his pain and just focus on having this baby. I need him!

I swear that I will be able to talk about things other than the baby once all of this passes. But right now it is pretty much everything I can think about.

Posted By marissa At 2:10 AM • Trackbacks (0)

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Poster Winner!

budanART Poster Winner!
Originally uploaded by m.Lee

This beautiful entry for the Etsy Poster Contest was one of the winners and I am lucky enough to be on it! This poster along with others will be given out at fairs and other events to promote Etsy. My piece is the eye in the second column of the bottom row. I knew being included in a entry from this person gave me a good shot since her treasuries always rock! I'm in another great one too, but this is my favorite. I covet the piece below the weiner dog.

No more wishing for the baby to arrive today please. In fact, if you could send any baby delivery wishes to Michelle aka cicadastudio instead of me it would be greatly appreciated. She's the one that is really ready to have her baby! Jon woke up with a pinched nerve in his neck and suddenly I am by far the mobile one in the household. I didn't say active because that honor goes to the partying blee in my belly! She just never seems to let up!

Posted By marissa At 6:22 AM • Trackbacks (0)

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

I've been Featured!

Adhiambo (born in the evening after sunset)
Originally uploaded by m.Lee

On the Modish Trendwatch Africa blog entry! This is my second trendwatch feature in a row from them. Last month it was the Russian Doll Trendwatch. My work is covering the globe!

Thanks Modish! I love your blog and the feature is a huge honor. I've always had a soft spot for this piece and this series as a whole.

I've been kinda taking it easy today chilling out and feeling kinda almost euphoric in a chill kind of way. With people constantly asking about the baby and threads like this being started on Etsy every day or so how can I not feel good and loved? It is so cute! One person actually joked around and said something to the effect of; "you think you are anxious, how do you think we feel?". Classic. I've had so much support and she is going to be so loved not just by her family but by her extended family.

PS. Etsy might be running a tad slow right now since Showcase spots are on sale and everybody (except me) is rushing to go buy them. I expect it will clear up in about a half hour or so.

I really should be carving but I haven't been. Maybe I will go do that now.

Posted By marissa At 9:59 AM • Trackbacks (0)

Needs a Baby!

The blee corner
Originally uploaded by m.Lee

Good late morning to all. I just woke up not too long ago! Haven't even made myself a pot of tea yet. That certainly sounds like a good idea. I am loving having good light blocking curtains in the bedroom and I hope baby appreciates them while napping.

The waiting game continues.

Art is still happening after some time off and that makes waiting a little bit better. I carved quite a bit yesterday and I will probably carve today. Right now I am getting my studio nice and cool so I can be comfortable. I'm making some serious progress on the block and that is very encouraging. Granted it is just the outlines that I am carving, even when I am done with that I have a heck of a lot of clearing work to do. But this block has me excited and motivated to work on it and get it done as soon as possible without pushing myself too much.

We saw a midwife yesterday since I have to go in twice a week now. This one was a lot more relaxed than my typical midwife and didn't seem concerned at all. It helped that my blood pressure has dropped significantly and was out of the danger zone for the first time in about a month. Both numbers fell at least ten points! If is stays low the pressure to have this baby ASAP might not be strong enough to induce before my delivery date.

Mostly I am ready to have her out so we can meet her, but she's behaving herself so keeping her in has some advantages as well. And Jon does have some work to finish up.

Last night we were out late at our neighbor's house. First we took Maeby over to be social with other greyhounds and she was our sweet but socially awkward girl. Then we went over to our friend's house for a BBQ. All I ate was fruit, not really wanting BBQ meat at this time. We were getting bitten so we took it inside and ended up chatting for hours long after the kids went to bed and the other guests had left. It was nice but we crashed when we got home.

Posted By marissa At 7:46 AM • Trackbacks (0)

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

I can still work! (a little)

Taking it on!
Originally uploaded by m.Lee

Morning to all! Another Tuesday and no baby. Last night we were convinced she was on her way and were even using the computer to time contractions. Then the power went out and we both fell asleep. I guess they must not have been true contractions after all. I'm sure we are not the only impatient one at this point.

After having a few slug days in a row I had a small burst of energy last night a couple hours before bedtime. It wasn't super hot out and I had the air on and the door closed and Jon was in the bedroom hanging curtains. (now our bedroom can finally be nice and dark when we sleep). At first I thought maybe I would do some printing, but I realized that is insane and way too much commitment once I have my inks out so I decided to start carving this puppy instead! I know there is no way it will get finished anytime soon but I might as well get it started. Normally I carve standing up because I feel I get a better angle that way but pregnant I try to sit as much as possible. But at times it just wasn't possible and as I bent over to carve my belly would press up against my lower body. Seriously not comfortable and i tried not to do that often! Don't worry I didn't overdue it and stopped after about an hour and then took a lovely cool shower.

I've been feeling like such a useless slug with nothing but wanting this baby out on my mind for days now. It felt good to let out some creativity even if it wasn't much.

And now i have a bedroom with dark curtains so me and the baby can sleep better. I then vacated my studio and he hung curtains in there too. We got curtains for the whole place but the ones in the bedroom and my studio are the most important because that is where she will be sleeping. And the studio corner with her pack and play bassinet has a window right there that didn't even have blinds. I think we need to get even more to block light in there.

For a couple of days we were thinking that we want to have this baby on the 18th, that way she can share the date with both of us! That and see Superbad in the theaters on Friday the 17th! But I have since changed my mind and want her out ASAP. The more time passes the bigger she gets and from her squirms I am thinking she is very big and cramped in there!

Making art, listing on Etsy and putting stuff on Flickr is becoming less important in my mind. Blogging is becoming more difficult as well. I'm so tired so much of the time. But I have discovered that people tend to jump to the conclusion that I am having the baby if I don't at least poke my head out once a day! I was thinking if the power wasn't back on by morning I would have to call somebody to post that I am not having the baby I just don't have power! I swear that other than my mother in law my friends and the people I know through Etsy are the most excited about her arrival. Or maybe it is just that my family tends to be very reserved.

We have plans for a BBQ at a friend's house and a play date for local greyhounds to run around in a fenced in area tonight. Jon is working on finishing up some major projects at work before he takes his leave. So probably she'll come sometime today! That is fine with me because I really would like to avoid getting induced or having a C section. Recovery for a C can be really difficult and I have a big art fair that I would really like to do at the end of September. It is very important to me.

P.S. feeling better after my emotional moodiness from the last post! Thanks for being understanding.

Posted By marissa At 4:15 AM • Trackbacks (0)

Sunday, August 12, 2007

Never one of the cool kids

Looking at You - ACEO/ ATC
Originally uploaded by m.Lee

Should a blogger show no weakness? I'm a professional and should exude confidence at all times right? Well maybe this post will never see the light of day but right now I am not brimming with self confidence. Not being able to physically or mentally make art certainly isn't helping me feel good about myself as an artist. I wanted to do some printing or carving so badly yesterday but my body and mind just weren't up to it. I am on countdown mode to the baby and my life is pretty much on hold right now.

Don't get me wrong I love and am quite confident in my work most of the time. I've really grown as an artist in the past two years. Even damn proud of many of my pieces and certainly am proud of my rather large body of work. Even small pieces like this art card are things of joy for me. And I am also proud of what I have accomplished as an artist doing it my way in a rather short period of time after a long period where I had no art. It is quite the turn around and that is something that I should be thankful for and celebrate.

But sometimes I see something random surfing around online late at night while battling anxiety induced insomnia or a random thought pops into my mind and I suddenly feel small and insignificant. Yes I have this, this and this but what about the things that I haven't accomplished? And then I start comparing myself to other artists and their successes and I don't always measure up. My work may be strong and I am not about to change it to meet whatever is hip but I am just not one of the uber cool indie artists it seems. My work is beautiful, colorful and filled with complex layering and texture. But I don't know just how much of a cool factor it has. I'm just trying to find and accept my place in all of this and love my work for what it is. I've never been one of the cool kids in any time or any scene in my life so why should this be any different?

I am way more secure about my work than i used to be, but I have my moments when I am not. It will pass I am sure, especially when I am able to work again. I'm sure being exhausted and filled with pregnancy hormones isn't helping.

Posted By marissa At 11:38 PM • Trackbacks (0)

Friday, August 10, 2007

Quiet Days

Earthy Ginkgos
Originally uploaded by m.Lee

Hello everybody. This entry could be long and ramble a bit or it could be short for all I know. I guess I would say that while I have a lot on my mind these last few days I have been feeling extra quiet and more to the point not feeling like doing much of anything. I haven't even been nagging Jon much to do baby prep stuff! As much as I want this baby to come I am not doing enough to prepare for it and I know it. It is good thing blee won't be in the nursery for months because it is a total mess with all the clothing and other gifts piled in the crib. We have two empty drawers, why aren't we using them? But for the first months she will be sleeping either with us or in the Pack n Play bassinet that is next door to the bedroom in my studio.

The mom's group that I was invited to and joined midway through my pregnancy went on a summer hiatus during July and August. And I missed most of the meetings in June because I was feeling so bad that month. I kind of had a feeling that it was over and I was correct to a degree. Last week I got an email from the leader saying that it will no longer be in her home but is being absorbed by a bigger group on the far side of Cambridge. Not a very T friendly location, and even if it was a very long T ride especially with a newborn. While I am trying to work up the courage to take small local errand running drives there is no way that I can drive across the river, especially with a baby. The thought fills me with horrible imagery and brings out my anxiety. Basically, no group for me I figure when I would need it the most.

The leader in her forever upbeat and bouncy tone wants me to sign up anyway and is trying to find ways for me and another JP mom to get there. It actually might work out. Yet I hesitate writing her and signing up. September seems so far away. A mom's group with a baby seems so foreign to me. I hesitate. She also wants us to meet up and chat and I find myself avoiding that as well. Granted getting around isn't the easiest for me right now, but as long as it isn't a crazy hot day I could manage. I've been so anti-social this pregnancy. At times moreso than others, and this is one of those times. It is one thing pulling back in the dead of a winter ice storm when I am puking and coughing. But this is different. Even when I am around people I often feel alone. Am I depressed? Post-partum depression before the baby even arrives? I know I am feeling stressed and pressured to have this baby as soon as possible. I analyze every pain wondering how much closer it brings me to the big day.

Art, I'd like to do art. I've thought about carving or even printing but I don't ever do it. I don't even list the work I do have on Etsy. I signed up for the Trunkt website and I am a little confused by it. First off I have to put my work in mixed media even though that is not what I do, because it is the closest to printmaking they have. Second I never got an acceptance email from them despite being accepted the day after I applied. I waited around for over a week, confused and kept looking through my junk mail for nothing. So I thought maybe I had made a mistake in my application and submitted a new one. Got a message that my account name already existed in the system. Go to log on and sure enough I have an account. But I can't find my account in any searches. Do you need a paid one for that or is it because I edited a few things? Does my account get deactivated for approval every time I make an edit? Do a search on the site for mlee and you won't find me. It seems like a lot of fairly successful Etsy people have paid accounts and it is tempting. But these issues along with now not being the time to invest in promotion cause me to hesitate. I think I will wait until after the baby comes and things hopefully settle down to invest in more promotion. Promotion right now and in September would probably just be a huge waste if my store is essentially going to be shut down or in slow motion mode at the very least!

So I guess this turned out to be a long post with plenty of rambling after all. Guess I made up for my lack of words yesterday. Sorry to those of you I made cry or almost cry with my last post about my mother. The thoughts just had to come out and it was cathartic to say the least. Some real good came of it as I now know to focus on how lucky I was to have her rather than the selfish desire to have her right now. I can't even imagine how awful my childhood would have been if she had died six months after the surgery like everybody expected her to.

Posted By marissa At 7:47 AM • Trackbacks (0)

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

I can't wait to meet you!

Parents in 1974
Originally uploaded by m.Lee

And it isn't just the pain and discomfort, but I am already madly in love with you and can't wait to meet you. I wonder to myself and out loud to my husband what you are going to look like and be like. Will you have a lot of hair at birth like I did? If the old wives tales are true you will because I have had serious acid from carrying you!

Will your hair be dark like mine or blond like your daddy? His hair is darker now, but he was a total toe head when he was small. What color will your eyes be? I want to meet you! I'm ready.

By far the hardest part of the pregnancy for me has been missing my own mother. That is a pain that can't be settled filled with questions that can never be answered. When I say to myself that my mother in law is the giver of cute baby stuff like bibs and booties but my mom would be the giver of books I don't feel comfort, just emptiness. I want her here. I want my mom to give you books like I know she would. I want you to know your other grandmother as the kind, smart and wonderful woman she was.

And it isn't just about you either blee, but about me and wanting to have her too when I have pains or some sort of hardship. People have been wonderful, helpful and kind to me this whole pregnancy and I am blessed for that. But sometimes I just want my mother.

I'm the same age that she was when she had me. But when she was pregnant with me she was having seizures that turned out to be an undiagnosed brain tumor that eventually led to her death. She was the strongest person I have ever known. They removed the tumor from her about a year after I was born and gave her about six months to live. She held on for seventeen years. Growing up everybody always told me that she was alive because of me, and now I understand the kind of love that could make somebody so strong to beat such difficult odds.

Posted By marissa At 7:49 AM • Trackbacks (0)

Where to Stick them?

I have moo!
Originally uploaded by m.Lee

I actually got these the other day but neglected to mention it on my blog because I always seemed to have so much else to fill up a page. I haven't been able to bring myself to actually use one yet, no task feels moo worthy quite yet. But I am thinking when my second (free) book arrives in the next day or two I will be more prone to use them. I am interested in trading sticker pages with other people with moo stickers. Maybe along with a business card swap? I enjoyed my free 10 pack of Moo mini cards awhile back and plan on making an order of those in the fall for Christmas season promotion. The are just as eye catching as the stickers.

On the first page of the sticker book are some standard promo stickers for Moo and some of their sponsors. You had better believe that I am going to snap a picture of blee with a Moo logo sticker on her forehead. Get her on the Moo homepage!

The doctor's visit was a bit disappointing for me, but I haven't given up hope that I will go into labor sometime this week yet. My acid isn't completely gone but it is a lot more manageable and along with that the baby hasn't dropped completely but she isn't high up either. Steps are certainly happening to get this party started. Saturday would be a good day. I do find it funny that no matter how scared of giving birth and of having a tiny baby to care for I am, and believe me I am, I am just so physically drained from this pregnancy that I welcome it all. I am so done with being pregnant at this point. It hasn't been 100% terrible but I want my body back now please. Right now I am getting some relief due to the acid reflux leveling out a bit. Before it seemed like no matter what I did to prevent it I would be up all night in serious acid pain, but now as long as I watch what I eat and what time I eat it I am actually able to sleep through the night. Last night I was asleep before midnight and it was just glorious!

The photographer from the Globe for the Daily Candy spot was over yesterday shooting photos of me in my studio. I think it went well, he was very nice while being very much the professional and he set me at ease for the photos. The whole time I had to lock Maeby up in the living room and she whined and whined like the big baby she is. She loves new people and wanted to check things out and get in the way so badly. He seemed to get a lot of shots of this piece, too bad promoting it is useless since it sold that day! Makes me tempted to push myself to print more of that dancing lady design instead of carving today. I will see how I feel after I get a few orders packed up. The upside of carving versus printing is I should be able to manage it sitting down so it isn't nearly as physically taxing as printing. The downside being it is unlikely that block will be finished anytime soon. But I still do need to take it easy and not get ahead of myself and go back to pushing myself into exhaustion. My blood pressure isn't exactly good and I also have a bit of a head cold.

I goofed up and thought my Showcase date was today when it was actually yesterday. I did get a sale, but I have no idea if it had anything to do with being on Showcase or not. If I had known I would have rotated my featured items up a bit. Oh well. Sales are great, but currently not super high on my mind. Getting this baby out and being prepared for it is tops.

Posted By marissa At 3:53 AM • Trackbacks (0)

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

so much, so much

Masked Beauty
Originally uploaded by m.Lee

First I want to apologize if I am slow or unresponsive to comments. If I am not saying much on the blogs that I am still reading it isn't because I don't care it is just extra hard right now. Blogging is hard. Making art is pretty much impossible. Uploading and listing is difficult. Everything is just harder now and I read things in a bit of a haze so it is hard for me to get worthy words out for a comment.

Also, I've been a bad feedback leaver on Etsy. Again, getting words out is difficult. I'm not withholding on purpose I just think the way my brain is right now if I were to leave feedback it would be nonsensical or worse something like "A++++ buyer" ebay style. And who wants that?

I am writing this entry on Monday night because I know that I won't be able to write in the morning. I have an appointment with a midwife at 8:40am that should be quite revealing on how far along I am. The way I am feeling and how my body is acting I would not be surprised if she came this week or next at the latest. *Pregnancy TMI and whine alert* Meanwhile my midwife is putting me through hell running all these tests to find a reason to induce me (my theory at least). But I don't think I am going to need to be induced because I feel close. But she is going through my body with a fine tooth comb trying to find something wrong enough and putting me through hell in the process. Getting my blood drawn over and over. Being hooked up to an uncomfortable machine for 30 minutes and being told to relax. And now a 24 hour urine test today. Oh what fun this has been! I was completely happy with my care until my blood pressure became elevated and now I am very unhappy. I don't feel like I am being listened to or understood. She seems to think that the urine test is no big deal and was shocked that I made a face when she told me about it. Having done it I can most certainly has been a big deal. My body is being run through with a fine tooth comb trying to find something wrong enough to warrant an early induction.

While all this is happening I am feeling a lot of movement, contractions and pains that lead me to believe that the end is near. I'm thinking about things like how to handle my shop when the baby comes. Getting out orders that I have now. Thank you cards for all the gifts and well wishes. Stuff like that. The Boston Globe postponed the photoshoot so it is happening on Tuesday now. And I still have to tidy up my studio for it. I actually have my first Showcase Spot purchased for Wednesday and I don't even know if I am going to be wanting sales come Wednesday! I never get those advertising spots, but I was feeling motivated to promote myself in new ways a few weeks ago when they went on sale and thought that having a spot in August (a traditionally slow sales time) would be good. It didn't occur to me that come August I could be in a position where sales are of very little concern to me. Should I even be listing at this point? My mind is everywhere and nowhere and this piece just feels very appropriate right now. Something about the mood and the looks on the faces.

My acid reflux appears to not be an issue anymore. I wonder if the baby has dropped and therefor relieved some of the pressure on my stomach and esophagus.. I have such mixed emotions on this. Mostly relief and I hope this is the case but I also know that if it is I am soon going to experience the pain of childbirth followed by the scary reality that we are responsible for a tiny, helpless human life. And there are things that I wanted to do around the house beforehand that we haven't gotten to yet.

Posted By marissa At 1:51 AM • Trackbacks (0)

Monday, August 06, 2007

The Weekend is Over

Dragonfly over City
Originally uploaded by m.Lee

Monday morning. Hope everybody had a good weekend.

My baby shower on Saturday was a whole lot of fun even though I was a bit of a zombie for it after having another rough night sleeping. The shower favors that Kate made for me went over really well. Thanks Kate! My friends officially have a sense of humor. I got some much appreciated baby stuff, but more importantly got to spend the afternoon relaxing around girlfriends. Some I hadn't seen in months. Two came all the way from Brooklyn for the shower. There was a lot of tasty food that I didn't have room to eat much of and crafting that I was a bit to brain fried to do a good job with. I made a collage of cut out paper cherries. Why cherries? Because I was eating cherries and that was about how creative my brain was willing to get. But it was great fun and then I went home and crashed.

Last night we sucked it up and made a quick IKEA run right before closing to get curtains and a rug. The rug selection totally sucked so we just ended up with curtains, but we now not only have curtains for the babies room and my studio but for the entire place except for the kitchen. Like real adults! Too bad Jon lost my power drill and we have to borrow one from a friend to put the curtains up. My dad offered us a free drill but we have to wait until he visits to get it because he won't mail it. But a good cordless drill is expensive enough to wait for.

I want to work on carving that block but I still feel crappy most of the time plus I don't want to get woodchips all over my studio before the guy from the Boston Globe comes today to photograph me for a Daily Candy article. I actually need to tidy up my studio a bit today because it is not currently photo worthy. But neither am I so we can match.

I have a seriously unfun pregnant lady task today and see a midwife tomorrow to complete it. I'm ready to get off this ride now thank you very much. Blee, consider yourself served an eviction notice. Thirty-eight weeks is plenty! At this point I know all you are doing (besides making me sick) is packing on the pounds. At least I was able to sleep through the night last night. First time in awhile.

On the plus side I have lots of cool art recently listed and being listed in my shop right now from last week. Including this piece that I love and a favorite that has already sold.

I shipped out a birthday gift to my soon to be eight year old sister in Illinois. It is a Princess Peach game for her Nintendo DS. Her birthday is on the 12th and I am hoping blee beats her! Or maybe I could hold out long enough for them to share. I think my sister would get a kick out of that. She is a sweet kid.

Gotta get to cleaning!

Posted By marissa At 5:59 AM • Trackbacks (0)

Friday, August 03, 2007

Be more square!

Square Art Magnets
Originally uploaded by m.Lee

Hey girls and boys! Yesterday was another rough one for me but after I thought it couldn't get any worse it didn't get any worse it got better. Why and how? Because my husband came home bearing a package from Kate Black containing the square magnets I have been wanting more of for months now. I only got one set the last time and I knew that I needed more right away. This is just the first set, each set of two magnets is original and one of a kind. On Flickr you can see this not so great photo of them all spread out, feel free to reserve any by making a note or contacting me. Jon loves the square magnets, they are his favorite of my little knick nacks.

I got a little extra something from Kate too, but I am going to keep that to myself for now. You will have to be patient and wait until Monday.

We have an appointment with the midwife this morning. Should be interesting. I'm ready to have this baby out, Jon on the other hand wants her to stay inside. Easy for him to say since he isn't the one suffering. Though after the shower and after the photographer from the Boston Globe comes on Monday to take my picture would be good for me. Also, him getting over his cold first would be nice. But really the idea of going another 19 days is pretty horrifying to me. Especially after another night of hell, which is what last night was for me. I didn't have the baby pushing up on my lungs and I thought I was doing pretty good when I went to sleep. Then I woke up with this acid cough and ended up puking. And even then the acid feeling didn't go away. I was up most of the night with it. The idea of actually carrying this baby longer than the 40 weeks has me screaming for mercy. I think I would be begging to be induced if I was even a day late.

Posted By marissa At 6:29 AM • Trackbacks (0)

Thursday, August 02, 2007

My Day Off

Ginkgo Leaves at Dusk
Originally uploaded by m.Lee

I didn't plan on taking a day off yesterday. But that is what ended up happening because I didn't accomplish a single thing yesterday. I didn't even upload any of my images from Tuesday onto Flickr that is how lazy I was.

It all started last Friday when my blood pressure came back a little on the high side. Not horribly high but she sent me in for bloodwork just in case because high blood pressure during pregnancy is serious business. Everything came back just fine. But she still wanted me to come in this week before my regular Friday appointment to get my blood pressure checked again. I was annoyed. I talked to the nurse about it on the phone on Tuesday and tried to get out of it and she said she would talk to the midwife about seeing if since everything came back normal I could skip the blood pressure check. I really thought I would be able to. But first thing Wednesday morning I get the call telling me to come in right away to get checked.

Well, what I thought was going to be a simple in and out blood pressure check took well over an hour. I "failed" the first check so I ended up being hooked to a machine for fetal monitoring and lying on my side for thirty minutes. Then they took my pressure again and this time I passed. This means that I avoid going to the hospital and avoid being induced. But it means that I must take it easy and take thirty minute breaks where I lie on my left side three times a day and watch out for any symptoms.

Please, nobody worry. I'm not worried really just annoyed yet thankful that I have doctors that really do care and are keeping watch of me. There are three major symptoms of pregnancy induced hypertension or preclampsia and I only have one of those three. They are just being cautious to make sure I don't get any of the other two. Then we would have a problem and blee would be getting induced. My mother had preclampsia with me and everything was fine in the end with that. And I am at a much better hospital. I am in very good hands.

So yesterday was filled with a whole lot of napping and bed rest.

Nights are the hardest. She kicks and kicks and pushes up on my lungs so I can't breathe and I end up crying that I want her out right then and there. It is funny how I see the twenty days I technically have left as way too much time and Jon would love to double it. As much as he wants to meet her it is when she arrives that his life really changes so I don't blame him. I'm nervous about caring for her too, but when she pushes into my diaphragm so I can't catch my breath that worry goes out the window and I want her out!

Not sure what I am going to do with myself today between my thirty minute breaks. I certainly will not be printing! But I am going to see if I am able to carve a bit. This piece is from Monday and I have some pieces from Tuesday that I would like to start getting up into my shop. Yesterday there was some bug on the site where pictures weren't showing up in listings so taking the day off from listing too made sense. But I hope it is fixed today because I don't want to go two days without listing anything!

Happy Thursday to all!

Posted By marissa At 6:12 AM • Trackbacks (0)